I hate sundays… that feeling of ah shit i have to go back to school/college/uni. At the moment i really cant be bothered. not one bit.

I had a kinda shit weekend with the whole “rebecca” drama. Now i dont know if she stalks me so much she can see this although then again shed have to admit she stalks me to say anything about it but anyway.. shes pathetic. Honestly, being funny with people just because you assume they;re talking about you or whatever reason it is.. its like a god complex or something. The assumption that everyones lives revolve around her is seriously doing my effing nut in. I do not care about the wedding video, I do not care about your family, I dont care about pretty much 90% of what comes out of that mouth. Im sick of the selfishness and willingness to only talk about herself pretty much, then trying to turn people agains me. Nice try, i doubt that plan is going to work. You would think im talking about a teenager. No shes late 20’s.Best thing i can do is ignore her.

Second thing i found was a rather patronising email from my lab tutor following an unexpected bad grade which i argued about. I am 20 years old, i dont want to be talked to like a child and i most certainly dont pay £3500 a year to be treated like an imbocile. Acctually takes the piss. The general consensus throughout the year is that the tests are marked terribly, random comments and rudeness and one minute being told you’re right the next being told you’re not. Its confusing. Things should be marked properly so then we KNOW what is right and arent just guessing fo the next year. I honestly think monkeys could do a better job

Gonna go pick up my sister and play sims. because i am a geek.

Like i need to get everything off my chest. I dont talk about a lot of things with sam, even though i love him to bits, just because i love him to bits and i dont want to worry him with how i feel. I dont talk to the people at work because i get mothered a bit and i dont think they’d take me seriously. I basically feel like i cant tell anyone face to face and convey how absolutely dire i feel at times.

I suppose this week is what i would call a “mediocore” week, and in my terms that means that my “ocd” or whatever it is that i have isnt as bad as it can be. Im studying psychology and i dont even know what i am… shocking. and ironic. Basically my fear of green food is still here, and i think it always will be (there is the odd exception) its a really complicated feeling that i cant get accross to anyone, everyone knows i wont eat green foods but i think people think its made up or just a bit silly.. and i can totally see why, i mean who heard of a phobia of green food? But i guess they dont undestand why or how it feels. I cant even imagine eating it at times, i feel nervous just thinking about it.. its a fear that has got worse over time until now i feel like i can kindof manage it and know when its bad and not bad. It stems from the dislike of green sweets and escalated before i knew it. However ,my fear of public toilets is becoming increasingly bothersome, to the point where it affects my life a lot. Travelling to university means i cant go home and have to use public which has led to yet another water infection.. (TMI tuesday ftw) this is probably my 7th in less than a year. Everyone knows why, because ive always been the same. Its getting worse now. I can completley rationalize what aspects are “bad” and what are “good” for instance, no gaps in the cubicle=bad, black toilet seat=bad, brown floor tiles=bad sometimes any floor tiles can be bad, grates on the floor=bad. not much good though. It gets to the point where i cant breathe being in them, ive been known to just burst into tears upon entering the sink area and walk out. The stupid thing is, like the green phobia, i dont want to lose it. it feels like a part of me.

SO i guess things coudl be a lot worse, and today i feel like they are. Ive never been tested for this but i believe i suffer with BDD, body dysmorphia, but not really severe. Basically, i would love to be permianantly drunk so i can see the “real reflection” if i wasnt so scared of the calorie content of alcohol.. and the fact that i like my liver. I hate mirrors and any reflective surfaces. I hate my picture taken, i feel anxious just glancing or waiting to see a picture. Its completley depressing. Sam has taken up drawing and tried to draw my picture. The most worring thing for me is whether or not i look ugly. The worst thing is that when he asked me if i thought it looked like me, i didnt know.. because i cant actually see/know what i look like.. which sound a bit wierd i suppose. Basically i cant see myself in my minds eye and find it hard in mirrors. The only true reprientation i get is from pictures. Depending on how “bad” i am. For instance, today. im having a typically bad day, looking at my reflection makes me want to cry. Its like all my imperfections are screaming out at me, bad skin, double chin, poor complexion e.c.t i could acctually cry. I wouldnt be able to live without makeup. which is in no way due to being superficial or vain. Sometimes i feel alien, like my eyes are too big and miscoloured and my skind miscoloured like greys and pinks e.c.t and that my skin is horrendus.. problem skin that nobody else seems to see. Its mostly my face but sometimes i just feel fat bloated and ugly.. All of this i dont tell anyone.. except the whole of the internet on a blog where i feel like im almost anonymous.

Eating itself is better, i no longer skip meals. i have the overwhelming urge to skip but i dont do it. I feel fat but i am in some way healthy.. other than the fact that i really want diet pills. i miss the feeling of getting smaller and smaller, seeing my hip bones and ribs and fitting into childrens clothes. I miss it so much, something i cant tell sam. His ex girlfirend was bullemic, something i would never be, but i fear if he knew how i was and how i want to be he would think im unstable and not be able to cope.

Phew.. well thats a lot off my chest, for now.

I havent really been on here in a while..and reading back this post is gonna be pretty much the same thing ive been peed off with for the past 6 months. Only now its a bit different.

Basically, after being blamed as the reason for everyone of my college friends falling appart/drifting. And after how it seemed like everyone blamed me for this i found out this.. The person who took it upon themselves to tell me that was acctually just speaking for everyone else yet noone knew about it. i mean who acctually does that? i dont know if it was unintentional, and to be honest i acctually doubt it. im starting to believe she is just the jelous type or someting. Was it malicious? not intentionally perhaps but where does that leave me with this fragmented group of firneds that ive distanced myself from out of spite for thinking that they thought i was a liar and the reason that people no longer talk? I honestly dont know if i want to confront this person, especially since she woudlnt dare say it to my face. She seems to have big guns talking over the internet about who did what and whos to blame but cant hold her own face to face. Which was evident from how she was at the recent meet up. But the big question is.. am i acctually bothered about this insignificant speck on my life? I mean i feel lonley friend wise yeah, but am i really that desperate for a friend who wants to call the shots behind my back and turn me against my own friends? To be honest, not really. I want to be in touch with everyone else but im not desperate for that. I have new friends at uni and at work and my previous work. I mean i dont have much of a social life anyway and can cope by myself. Why would i need a backstabber? i suppose i just want to know why? why did she take it upon herself to speak on behalf of everyone else and blame me? especially since shes just as distant with some of the group?

Hmm. a lot to think about.

so here i go again having a grumble, work is shit as per, ive been given the choice of complaining to a higher up and risk things getting better or possibly lots lots worse, or just sticking  with things being mildly shit.what to do eh?

As well im getting increasingly more frustrated with a girl whos inconsessantly trying to add sam to facebook. i dont like the history she and sam had, be it only brief but as well i dont like how she acted on a night out we were all on. Her friend Rosie was lovely and said hi to me AND sam, shes met me before and we get on great, this other girl however failed to aknowldge me and hugged sam… which was a little touchy feely for my liking, for the next half an hour she preceeded with something i think she intended to do to piss me off, the whole “haha sam you’re so funny” “sam i love your hair” the whole “look at me” routine and ruffling his hair e.c.t, which just pissed me off more, i mean, to be blunt shes a skank who went on to later spend the night with sams friend, but what drives someone to try and dangle someones boyfirend infront of them.

I mean i know ive put sam in a position where if he says shit to her, Rosie might fall out with him or whatever and if he declines her friends  request, hell get awkward questions, but i cant bring myself to think its okay to add someone who just wants to either get on my nerves or flirt with sam, she seems to try and get his attention on there by tagging pictures and stuff, its just unacceptable. butthen i dunno if sam truly wantsto be friends with her or not, i tried asking him but i dunno.. its confusing, all i know is i cant stand her, i mean its not as easy as declinging his ex is, who tired to add him no less than 5 times.. but is this “theres something about sam” or something..

So this week ive had a bit of thinking time about everything, i have to say the most nigling thing is the “friend” situation, Facebook is a henious thing, it lets me look back at the fun times where we used to hang out e.c.t. Before we grew up and went to college and after college, our seperate ways. Its funny how things change and how that people suddenly dont want to know the person who spent a lot of time with them, arranged days out e.c.t Perhaps i should have seen it coming, when i was in college first year and going out once or twice a week, or the second year where i met sam and spent increasingly more time with him because he was and still is the only person whos acctualy bothered about me. Acctually thats harsh to say because my work friends and people like Agne still want to keep in touch and make an effort.Its people like Rae and Jade and James who  have seriously peed me off with this, it always has to be me making the effort and when i stopped trying, so did they.Ican pretend i dont care all i want but the bottom line is i do  care, it hurts but i know next year when im at uni (leeds met woooo!) ill make lots of friends, hopefully not ones that are just there for the ride and someone to sit with at lunch.

Another things is, this whole looking back thing, it makes me feel old.. i look back to highschool, particularly, and think “wasnt it easy”obivoulsy at the time it seems hard and dramatic and like you’re badly done to, but really? honestly? its not. I knew this in college where i was increasingly bored being there and acctually had to try, then when i left and have to stay afloat in the jobworld till i go to uni. Pretty much a standard thing,everyone does it.

I can also see how people have grown into their new adult world. i dont think ivechanged much since i was 17, then again i dunno im probably a lot different. But i can see people like chelsie, having fun with life yet making mistakes which is good, but mistakes she should know better than making.People like Rae, still quiet but fickle with friendship,still living the college days whilst floating. Lauren, starting a journey in a different way, already engaged with a job, not particulary bothered about anyone.Jade T, still driven but very much wrapped in her uni life… its all sad to see,yes we’ve grown up and grown as people but we’re very much appart..

People who support bnp annoy me. Biggots.

Day 1: 10 things you cant live without.

Day 2: 9 things you  remember from your childhood.

Day 3: 8 things you think about yourself.

Day 4: inspirational  people

Day 5: 6 Promises you have made, did you keep them?

Day 6: 5 Items of clothing that remind you of a good time

Day 7: 4 foods you could eat everyday

Day 8: 3 things you look for in a relationship

Day 9: 2 books you couldnt put down.

Day 10: You are given 1 wish, what is it?

So when i left college i thought “oh people will stay in touch, we’ll all meet up in the holidays blah di blah di blah”

What a load of crap

I missed meeting up in september and christmas due to illnesses but since, 0 effort on their part to contact me. I like 5 minutes from rae!  just 5! If even that. And nothing,yet she can swan off to go see the people who went to uni in their halls. I havent heard from a single one of them in ages. If i want to talk to them i have to text them first.

And you know what hurt the most?

I passed my driving test 2-3 weeks ago, one, just one congratulated me, theothers didnt acknowladge even though it was far from secret. Jade passed hers a week later. EVERYONE commented. If any of them manage to see this, although i doubt it due to their lack of interest, i dont want to know you, i know who my true friends are.

Assholes.

Your ears are closed to the truth, filled with deafness of defenciveness, a wall she cannot penetrate without anguish and false judgement. A silence broken by thoughts, mysterys, time will only tell. Her lone voice is quiet in ears that cant hear, soon that voice is broken, cracked and hoarse with despair. Be still silent tears, noone can hear you now, the deafness offers blindness to those who wish not to hear,the little broken speaker who sheds a tiny tear. She dries her eyes on the heart resting on her sleeve. Be strong little one, this will all disapear.